Daily Prompt: The Guilt that Haunts Me | Learning to Live with A Lingering Guilt

Daily Prompt: The Guilt that Haunts Me | Learning to Live with A Lingering Guilt

The Daily Post @ Word Press has asked its bloggers to write about a time they were overcome with guilt and what was done to overcome those feelings. Here goes nothing!

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Maybe things would have been different but what if this was the way things were supposed to be? A question so many of us ask ourselves but never seem to find the answer to. I don’t have guilt for anything silly, I have a guilt that weighs on my shoulders each day like I have a toddler sitting on them. But, guess what? You can’t let guilt kill you, overrule you. I’m not talking about the type of dead when you’re in the ground either, I’m talking about taking away the life inside of you as you walk the streets like every other human being. You’re alive, but you’re not living.

So, what happens when you face a guilt trip that never seems to fade away? Learn to live with it in the back of your mind? Try to find the happiness and positivity from the situation? I do a little bit of both. I do the first because a certain guilt will always be present, even when you pretend it’s not there. I do the second so I can still live a fulfilling, happy lifestyle. They say to forgive others because at the end of the day, you’re only hurting yourself. What about forgiving yourself? This should be more important than any other kind of forgiving. Because you have to live with yourself. Nobody else, you. People can try to help you until they’re blue in the face but no changes will be made until you make them happen.

If you have read any of my previous posts, some can sense why I have a certain guilt that hangs over me. Family is the most important thing in the world, the ones you would most likely do anything for. My guilt comes from a night where I wish I had done things differently, where I should have prevented things in a different way rather than the way I chose.

Matthew is my 17 year old brother, he graduates high school this year and I can’t even believe it! Makes me feel like I’m getting old, too. He almost passed away at the young age of 15 at the hands of a 19 year old boy that was on my front lawn with a baseball bat, along with a couple of other teenage boys. When you’re in a certain situation, your mind and body automatically go into defense mode and do what you feel is right in the moment. You don’t see clearly when your body is pumped with adrenaline, or maybe you see clearer than ever before. If this is the case, I doubt anyone would ever admit it. My brother got hit in the face with a full on baseball swing, causing damages to his entire face. Shattered bones, broken nose, broken eye socket, broken and missing teeth, broken jaw. He now has 35 screws and 8 titanium plates holding his face together along with a mesh netting in place of his eye socket along with some lose of sight in his left eye. He went thru months of intense pain and doctors/dentists visits. There are things that he will forever have to keep an eye out for, like hitting his face against something or being in a car accident where the airbag deploys because it can break his face all over again.

I was the only family member home with him that night. I have always been very protective of my two brothers, almost like a mother. I know he does not blame me for anything that happened, but at times I cannot help but blame myself. But instead of constantly hating myself, I try to look at the positive. He’s still alive, looking handsome too! The surgeon did a great job on his face and it’s hard to even tell that anything happened to him. Another positive, I feel closer to him than ever before. Because no matter how hard and devastating it was, it’s something we share as brother and sister. I did take precautions to make sure he did not get hurt that night, I won’t get into that though. So he knows I tried my best. And to me, if he knows that deep down then this is something I can live with. Although, I have no choice. He doesn’t have a choice either though, so I shouldn’t be the one complaining. That’s another reason right there for me to look at the positive.

So, as for overcoming this guilt. I’m still in the process. I’m doing much better than I was a year ago though. (This happened last March) so I give myself credit. Things can always be worse, yes something can be incredibly bad to cause you to question things but always remember what could have happened instead of what did. And I’m happy to say that I have both my brothers to open gifts with tomorrow morning on Christmas. That, I am extremely thankful for.

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